just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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