i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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