I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I AM VODKA MAN
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
