it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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