Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Swine flu. Run for my life!
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Randomize
