: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
