god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
