I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
where does the pee come out of this thing
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
