I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
