WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
