i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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