i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Randomize