there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
