Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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