I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
