Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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