I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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