i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
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