Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
