you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Randomize
