I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
