Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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