you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
We had to coat check the pizza.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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