Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
