If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
