I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Randomize
