Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
