i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
