Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
