You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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