how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
