i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
