he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
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