hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
