I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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