Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize