So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
