Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
