We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
