Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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