I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
