Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
