Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
