Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
