i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
