Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
