R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
