Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Is her dick bigger than yours?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
