It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Randomize