He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
