there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
