I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
