Your face is a jimmy john
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
The Olympian is in my bed
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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