Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
