first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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