i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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