I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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