i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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